Entry Log #1 // 11.10.2010 // 5:44AM
Each and every day, I am awaken by the afternoon sun, glistening in all of it’s glory as it shines through the minuscule crevices of my blinds that somehow illuminates the sun to even greater proportions. I wish for nothing more than an eternal slumber, granted, that I would be able to wake myself at a moment’s notice in case I ever feel prepared to resume life. I am not some kind of melodramatic fool who has made his home in the life of the past, I am simply just a young man who has made some regretful decisions and who would want nothing more than to just reset my life and continue from the beginning, again.. In my life, I have been blessed with a great family and have always been surrounded by amazing friends. It sounds cliché, but I truly would not trade them for anything in the world. There isn’t a day in my life where I don’t place myself in those “What if I would have..” situations, I have come to an agreement with myself that although I would love to change what has happened in the past, the lingering thoughts that remain from those distorted memories always come back to haunt me. I have lied on numerous occasions to my parents and there isn’t a day that has gone by in the past few months where I ponder to myself, “What if I had just came out with the truth originally?” How would have they reacted? It’s a question that cycles through my mind every single day. For the past few months, I have been playing a game of charades, constantly putting an act up in front of my friends and family in order to act is if everything is normal. Unfortunately for me, nothing has been normal for quite some time and it’s going to take a lot of effort on my part to build my life from scratch again. It’s been nearly five months since the graduation of my high school class and quite some time since I’ve done anything in relation to my own academics. I just sit at home playing video games and let the days pass by, never doing anything productive that would benefit me in my future life. Yet, here I am claiming how I want to change myself for the better? How long must I wait? How long will it be until I start to change for myself? That’s always been a problem with me, I lack initiative unless it’s something I truly want, but this is the paradox that has always stumped me, at least it has been for the past few months.. If I lack the drive to satisfy my own personal goals but I want change in my life, how am I supposed to change? The logical answer, at least in my opinion, would be “Quit bitching and just do it.” But, as we all know, everything is definitely easier said than done. Procrastination has always been my own personal nemesis throughout my life and I intend on conquering it and never looking back, the real question is, when will I begin?
It’s nearly six in the morning and the light of dawn is slowly become more visible, time continues to move forward throughout each day and with each day that I wait, I lose valuable time to improve my life for my own sake. When will I stop running in circles and propel myself towards success? Questions, questions, and more questions and yet I find myself constantly searching for answers, hardly stumbling across any until it is too late.
I need change, this blog serves as my virtual journal, my own personal space that will be used to archive my life and to document my experiences throughout my journey to satisfying my vision.
